A few weeks ago, I read a post by Jennifer Pompaski; Body Shaming: 5 reasons Why people do it. This is the post that got me thinking quite a lot of different things. A lot of different experiences that I had. And a lot of different comments, by a lot of different people!! So, I decided to write this post. Because, it can’t only be me who had to deal with weight gain and body shaming when I was actually quite new to the concept of motherhood. You would think people would give you a break since you just began a very new and difficult phase in life, but guess what: THEY DON’T.
Let me take you back in time, when this all started. It started (most of it) after I gave birth to my little daughter. She is closer to 3 years now, so believe me when I say I have had enough!!
I had a tendency to gain weight and I gained quite a few (or many) pounds when I was pregnant. After birth, it was okay for a few months, but after let’s say 3 months (to put a number on it), I said the magical words, “Let the body shaming begin!” and hence it began. Really, I might not have said those exact words (obviously!!), but I let the snide remarks pass by, I laughed along a few really evil comments, and I didn’t say PLEASE, NO!, to some concerned family members. So, in other words, it was as good as inviting people to Begin the Body shaming jokes.
After a while, I trained my mind to accept these jokes. To not feel a thing when people made them. To laugh along, as if they had said something really funny. But to tell you the truth, “It’s really not funny!!”. It’s painful. It’s hurtful. And it’s high time I accepted this out loud (or on my blog).
Raise your hands, if you too, are in this situation!!
I actually developed a strategy in my head. Laugh at yourself, so others won’t feel the need to do it. This apparently had the opposite reaction to the one that I expected. People started believing that I DID NOT mind the body shaming jokes.
It also had another indirect result. I actually started letting it get to my head. I researched countless ways to reduce weight. And I felt guilty about eating a single bite of fried food. I struggled, but my weight did not reduce. I discovered later, that I had an under active thyroid (which makes it really difficult to lose weight) on top of PCOs (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but still I blamed myself for every pound that I did not lose!
Thankfully, I didn’t give in to all those “take a pill to reduce weight” scams. There is no healthy weight loss method, that will make you lose weight instantly! Trust me. If somebody says you can lose weight in 3 days, slap them in their face and get the hell out!
If you are concerned about your weight, there are many healthy diet plans and options that can help you lose weight over time. But none of these methods are “Lose 10 kilos a day scams”. But, even if you are concerned about your weight, Body shaming is not something that will help you. It will only make you more depressed. So, you need to deal with it the right way.
There is one thing that you need to understand though:
Not every body shaming comment is because the other person wants to bully or laugh at you. Some of the “body shaming” will actually be from concerned family members and friends who are actually worried about your health and well being. They will not even realize that they are causing you pain.
It’s good to differentiate between the kinds of body shaming so you can act accordingly.
Don’t go slamming doors on your parents just because they tried to ask you about your diet. It is okay to feel irritated and angry, but don’t go on taking it out on your friends or family. Try to sit down and explain the situation to them.
Let’s take my mom for example. In every phone call, she asks me why I look “a little chubby”, or she will send me articles with titles like “how to lose weight” or how to “increase your metabolism”, so on and so forth. While all this is done in good faith, the ultimate result is me hating my body and the way I look. My husband has even made up a joke about how I start a new diet regime, every time I talk to my mother. And even though it is humorous, his words have a certain ring of truth.
So this time instead of just listening to my mum listing out diet plans, and telling me how I look “a little fat”, I decided to explain that this doesn’t make me feel good. I told her that it was more difficult for me to lose weight because of thyroid on top of PCOs (which I have had since 5 years). I told her that I was trying, but forcing me and talking about the same things every single time wasn’t going to help anybody. And of course, since she obviously loves me, she realized that she needed to give this topic a little space.
Even if you don’t have PCOs, even if you don’t have an under active thyroid, you can still gain a few pounds after birth. The important thing is that nobody is allowed to make you feel guilty. You need to eat. You need your strength after birth. Your body has undergone a huge change. On top of it, if you are breastfeeding, you will experience hunger like nothing else! At that time, if you starve yourself, you will starve your baby too!!
Eat healthy, but eat as much as you like. Especially after a few months of giving birth.
Let me break down this dealing with “Body shaming” in a few simple points so it is easy to remember, and in turn deal with:
We will call it the BODY method:
The BODY method to deal with Body shaming Jokes:
(B) Be Direct: Be direct while talking to your friends, family and acquaintances. Don’t shout at them in public, but probably give them a call later on to let them know that you got hurt. Ask them to please think before they say things like that, because it actually causes you pain.
(O) Open Up: I am not saying that you need to open up to every other person you see out there, but opening up to your family members, like for instance, I told you about my mum, will only help you along the way. Opening up to people you really care about, and who in turn care about you will help protect you in the future. Because they will support and understand you. Just decide wisely, with whom you need to open up completely, and with whom you just need to be direct in saying that you don’t like it.
(D) Don’t say Anything: Don’t say anything is for the situations where you let your expressions speak for you instead. Like you actually go silent. So silent, that the other person cannot mistake your silence. They would know that they have said something rude and hurtful and will probably avoid it in future. This too, is for people who understand. Not for crazy bullies and people with an intention to hurt.
(Y) Yell at the top of your voice: Well this is the one for bullies and people who have got it in for you!! Tell them to shut the help up and mind their own business. Because that is what they deserve!!
When you encounter a negative comment about your body, or about anything for that matter, just think about how you are going to react to it. Your reaction makes or breaks the situation. But not reacting, will not help you. It will make the situation worse in the future.
Please choose wisely, and comment below if you agree or disagree with my assessment about dealing with “Body shaming comments”. let us debate about the BODY method.
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